One year later

The mountains here are so painfully beautiful. They could almost make you weep. I drove today, for hours. As far back as my little car would take me. The further I went, the more I wished I could just ride in, and stay, never to emerge. The ground was all crusted with the last snow. And it was raining, tree branches lined the road, it was so quiet and peaceful. My brain actually started to sort threw the chaos. It was perfect. Serene. I understand, why, after 15 years, why people can stay here. Its heartbreaking, awe striking. I have had moments here, where it takes my breath away. But this year, every time I drive to work. Or just drive to drive, to get away, it catches me. The way the light shifts over the ground. The way the moon rises from the inky blackness that is the mountains, to shine as high as she can get before she descend to the other side of the valley, behind the blackness of the night mountains. I my never leave here. I am ok with that. This is my home, these mountains are my home. I feel lost (more so than normal) when I am not in sight of mountains. When they don't hold my every breath.

This summer I swam in the river. I felt that same power from the water. Its nature. I think I have hit a place in my existence, where I could not possibly dwell in the city. Not for long, not for ever. Will that realization ground me? I don't know. I am swirling internally. I can not find leverage. Orbiting, trying to destroy myself. Why? Why can I not see the good, see the humor. Why does it not pulse threw me like the rest of it does. The anger, the desolation, the chaos and confusion? What would I be like, as that person, the contented human being, the optimist? Boring? More so, not that I am all that interesting at the present. Nothing changes on the inside, it just lies at bay from time to time. EH, fuck, I'm good with that, I can be content with my disfunctional self. Can anyone else be?